What is self care?
Have you ever put a lot of effort into self care activities, only to find yourself become more tense and rigid?
There is a lot of talk these days in mental health communities around self care. Let’s have a think about what it actually means.
The dictionary defines self care as “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health”. A quick google on self-care tips suggests tips such as: have a cold shower, have a bubble bath, breathwork, have a cold bubble bath. Okay I made the last one up, but you get the idea.
What is wrong with this narrative of self care?
In short, self care can become just another coping mechanism, and another way that we try to control and eliminate difficult experiences. When you have a difficult thought, feeling or sensation, the problem lies with the desire to wash it away, whether that be by having a bath or by having a drink. This teaches our minds that difficult thoughts, feelings and sensations are to be avoided, and as we know, avoidance paradoxically leads to more of what we don’t like. Instead, we can learn to accept and love whatever experience arises.
Intention matters. A bubble bath is a lovely thing, but if you spend the whole time ruminating and trying to think your problems away, this is in fact the opposite of self care.
Another way to look at self care
Proactively! Caring for yourself is a wonderful thing and needs to be deliberate and intentional. So much of this is about how we relate to our experiences before they become huge problems for us. How can you look after yourself regardless of what thoughts, feelings and sensations you happen to be experiencing? What actions can you put in place to cultivate more of what you want to see in your life? This way, we care for ourselves out of a genuine sense of love, rather than an attempt to eliminate difficulty from our lives.
Think of your mind like a garden. There are many seeds and many weeds. Consider which seeds you would like to water and see bloom in your garden, rather than trying to find more and more ways to pull out the weeds. Of course, the weeds can be there, and we can love them too!
Community
Self care cannot happen in isolation. Finding, building and being in community is so helpful when trying to build new habits and water positive seeds. Another paradox about self care is that actively caring for others (if you have the capacity to do so in your current context), boomerangs right back at you in positive ways. Finding ways to give and be of service to your community is a wonderful form of self care.
Values
Start by thinking about what really matters to you. And then you can begin to work out what actions will align with these values. Living a valued fuelled life for ourselves and others is one of the best ways we can care for self.
This way, we are less likely to burn out, and will require fewer coping mechanisms.
